Snow Blows

I don't mean to generalize, but all women (including my lovely girlfriend Margaret!) love snow. How do I know this? I just do. This was made particularly clear when it snowed for the first time about two weeks ago, and at least three women I am friends with on Facebook changed their status to some variation of, "Yay, it's snowing!!!!!"

Now before you go calling me some sort of grinch, please let it be known that I like snow in certain situations. When I'm skiing, when I was a kid, when he's singing "Informer," and also any time I don't need to do anything practical. However, as I was reminded again today as I was trying to run errands during lunch, snow is typically a giant pain in the ass.

I was trying to get to the toy store because I am going to a party in which the hosts asked all guests to bring something for the "Toys For Tots" program. Being the benevolent fellow that I am, I was happy to oblige, even though it meant braving the insanity of Kay-Bee Toys a week before Christmas. Unfortunately, the snow made this errand take almost twice as long as it should have. You see, I like to do things quickly and efficiently, and snow just slows everything down.

On a side note, I am going to make a terrible holiday-shopping parent. I was in Kay-Bee for 15 minutes, and I wanted to strangle at least 10 people in what can best be described as a low-level riot. Either I'm doing my shopping in July, or my kids aren't getting anything. Sorry in advance, kiddies! When I finally got the front of the line, some guy walked up to me and said, "hey, I don't have time to wait on this line. If I give you $20, will you pay for this $13 toy when you're checking out your items?" It was quite a dilemma, but I decided to decline the $7 profit (probably $5.50 after tax) out of fear of incurring the wrath of the scores of parents waiting not so patiently behind me.

But the Kay-Bee melee wasn't even the worst part, it was the snow. Everyone was walking slower than normal (don't get me started on the pussies who carry umbrellas during snow), there were slushy puddles wherever I stepped, and traffic slowed to a halt. It's the traffic that actually makes it hard for me to understand how anyone can like snow in an urban area. Not only does it slow down traffic, but it also causes accidents! If you say you love snow in New York City, you're essentially saying you are unaffected by car crashes.

If I have time tomorrow, I might take a stroll up to Prospect Park. I'm sure it will be lovely because not every inch of snow will be trampled on, and I won't have to worry about traffic deaths while I'm there.

So, to sum up.

Times snow is good: Skiing, when you're a kid, Informer, rural areas.

Times snow is bad: All other times.