Natalie Portman Should Sue

I’ve been to my fair share of concerts in my life. And like most people, I typically try and avoid the opening act. That’s not always a smart move because I miss out on a good band I’ve never heard of, but it’s typically the right thing to do. Some opening acts eventually become headliners, but most opening acts are opening acts for a reason. I was reminded of this on Monday night when I went to Roseland to see Lily Allen (insert joke about my girly music taste here), and the opening act was some band called Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head.

As per usual, I called the venue to see what the set times were. This allows me to head in about halfway through the opener’s set, while making sure I don’t miss the headliner. Unfortunately, NPSH started late, and I had to endure most of their set. To quote Homer Simpson, “I don’t want to say they sucked . . . but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever did suck.”

I’m typically pretty tolerant when it comes to music. And while I don’t completely agree with my friend Dan Squadron who says, “I like every band’s two best songs,” I feel like any band good enough to get a gig at Roseland has at least one good song. Apparently not.

At one point there was a break in the set, and I thought NPSH might be done. They were actually just switching singers, allowing a female member of the band to take the mic. I was hopeful that this might be where things picked up, but instead they broke into a song in which the chorus was her screaming, “do you like my ponytail? My sideways ponytail!” Don’t believe me? See for yourself.



They followed that up with a song about facial hair. At least that one was sung by a dude. I get that this group is trying to be silly. Even if their name doesn’t get this across, their music certainly does. The problem is that it’s just bad music. It’s like listening to Girl Talk, if Girl Talk used only bad songs and made no effort to blend them. Truly cacophonous.

As for Lily Allen, she was excellent. I’m not a huge fan, but I enjoy her stuff. My sister was getting tickets, so I told her to get two more for my girlfriend and me. Besides sounding really good live, Allen is also quite funny. “Cheeky,” if you will. Towards the end of her set, Allen said, “alright, this is my last song. Well, it’s not actually my last song, but I have to pretend like it is. You know the drill.” I’ve always thought the whole encore thing was always a little silly. I’d prefer to live in a world in which encores were not customary, but only given on special occasions when the crowd truly demanded it. The way it’s done now is a charade, and props to Lily Allen for acknowledging it.